I'm still up. Going to brave the freezing cold to go burn a talisman at the ocean in like two hours.
I just spent 40 minutes practicing my guitar. I'm sleepy. I have a new "idea" for a song, though idk what it really is.
I don't really care what other people think about my songs. I don't wanna make popu-slop. I've never liked that stuff anyway. I wanna make what makes my heart sing, you dig?
I listen to a lot of music, as is probably obvious, and everything is just a bunch of patterns. But like... it really bums me out. That I like the patterns; but also that they're so easily recognizable. That they're so repeatable. That they're always just there, incredulous.
Something that sounds good to me. Something that I like, no, something that I love. What would that be?
I do love all the music I listen to, but that's all been done before. I do like short n sweet, but I love long and meandering. Time is needed to truly appreciate what needs to be heard.
Look at the lyrics to a Nirvana song. Or an early Panic! song. Hell, maybe even a Three Cheers era MCR song. The lyrics are repeated so often. Especially true in Nirvana. There's not that many things being said. It's all about the melody and how it's expressed. The emotion in what's being said, not the words themselves.
Tie this into the lyrics off of Panic!'s first album. Most of this shit doesn't even really make sense to be honest, but it's catchy and lovely and feels good. It's how he says it that makes the difference. Like wtf is an Aubergine Dream?
The Mars Volta's first couple albums are also an excellent example. Like wtf do any of those lyrics even mean? I think he's just spouting random bullshit that gives him the vowel sounds that he needs in order to make the sounds that he wants properly.
But without the words, how can you emote properly? Sure you can emote through wails and cries, but there's an added dimension to a spoken word that you can relate with. Something to feel on the tip of your tongue as you listen to the vitriol, malice, love, or lust in which it's said.
It's all an act; a play with a beginning, middle, and end. And how do you get from the beginning to the end?
With patterns.
I hate patterns, but I love them so much too.
I think I'm scared that I'll be just like everyone else when I lose myself in the thrill of performing the same thing over and over again. What else am I supposed to do if I can't even find myself?
Maybe I should let myself go free and die in the fire. Be reborn like the phoenix on the wings of rebellion. Or something like that, idk.
Are songs like drawing? It doesn't really feel the same.
In my drawings, I layer and layer. At first it's nonsense, but then I start seeing the patterns. Little shapes that remind me of other things. And then before I know it, I have a finished picture. Sure, abstract. Sure, grotesque. But also, beautiful. Gorgeous. I adore it.
I'm still an amateur when it comes to music. But then again, so am I with drawing or even writing. I never practiced drawing or writing, at least not in the same way that I have with singing. But maybe that's why I feel like it's different.
Brenden Urie was 18 when the first Panic! album came out. Hayley Williams was 18 when RIOT! came out. Though, tbh, neither wrote the big songs off of those albums, the guitarists did.
What do I do with my voice? Sing obviously. But what do I sing? My own words? Do I even have my own words? If I sing someone else's words, are they still mine? I feel like I embody myself and them too when I sing other's songs. But I really don't want to just be singing other people's music for my whole life.
My friend says I have enough material to make an EP, but I don't really believe him. He says that my ideas just need a bit more polishing and work-shopping, but is that really it? I don't really get it I guess.
When I walk around town with my earbuds out, I realize how quiet the world around me is. And in turn, how loud I am. Nobody else walks around town singing. Only I do.
Only I do. And even though I try to stay quiet, I'm so loud. So noticeable. So why do I keep trying to hide myself from others? They can all see me. I'm just hiding from myself.
I've gotten better at noticing myself. I do realize how beautiful I sound. I didn't believe anybody before when they said that I sound good, but now I get it. I guess I'm just frustrated. It's egotistical of me to think that such a beautiful voice shouldn't go to waste.
Practicing without implementation feels like a waste. I feel like I'm stagnating creatively. Drills and covers can only take me so far. I try to write but it doesn't feel right. It's not intuitive, sitting down and writing; thinking things out and being meticulous.
There's so many changes happening within me and my mind and soul. I'm ready to let go and let them take me fully. At least, that's what I want to say. I think I really do believe it deep down, and maybe that's all that matters. Of course it's scary. But I'm done being scared.
How else would I be able to look myself in the face and listen to me sing? Maybe I should look at myself in the eyes more.
I just spent 40 minutes practicing my guitar. I'm sleepy. I have a new "idea" for a song, though idk what it really is.
I don't really care what other people think about my songs. I don't wanna make popu-slop. I've never liked that stuff anyway. I wanna make what makes my heart sing, you dig?
I listen to a lot of music, as is probably obvious, and everything is just a bunch of patterns. But like... it really bums me out. That I like the patterns; but also that they're so easily recognizable. That they're so repeatable. That they're always just there, incredulous.
Something that sounds good to me. Something that I like, no, something that I love. What would that be?
I do love all the music I listen to, but that's all been done before. I do like short n sweet, but I love long and meandering. Time is needed to truly appreciate what needs to be heard.
Look at the lyrics to a Nirvana song. Or an early Panic! song. Hell, maybe even a Three Cheers era MCR song. The lyrics are repeated so often. Especially true in Nirvana. There's not that many things being said. It's all about the melody and how it's expressed. The emotion in what's being said, not the words themselves.
Tie this into the lyrics off of Panic!'s first album. Most of this shit doesn't even really make sense to be honest, but it's catchy and lovely and feels good. It's how he says it that makes the difference. Like wtf is an Aubergine Dream?
The Mars Volta's first couple albums are also an excellent example. Like wtf do any of those lyrics even mean? I think he's just spouting random bullshit that gives him the vowel sounds that he needs in order to make the sounds that he wants properly.
But without the words, how can you emote properly? Sure you can emote through wails and cries, but there's an added dimension to a spoken word that you can relate with. Something to feel on the tip of your tongue as you listen to the vitriol, malice, love, or lust in which it's said.
It's all an act; a play with a beginning, middle, and end. And how do you get from the beginning to the end?
With patterns.
I hate patterns, but I love them so much too.
I think I'm scared that I'll be just like everyone else when I lose myself in the thrill of performing the same thing over and over again. What else am I supposed to do if I can't even find myself?
Maybe I should let myself go free and die in the fire. Be reborn like the phoenix on the wings of rebellion. Or something like that, idk.
Are songs like drawing? It doesn't really feel the same.
In my drawings, I layer and layer. At first it's nonsense, but then I start seeing the patterns. Little shapes that remind me of other things. And then before I know it, I have a finished picture. Sure, abstract. Sure, grotesque. But also, beautiful. Gorgeous. I adore it.
I'm still an amateur when it comes to music. But then again, so am I with drawing or even writing. I never practiced drawing or writing, at least not in the same way that I have with singing. But maybe that's why I feel like it's different.
Brenden Urie was 18 when the first Panic! album came out. Hayley Williams was 18 when RIOT! came out. Though, tbh, neither wrote the big songs off of those albums, the guitarists did.
What do I do with my voice? Sing obviously. But what do I sing? My own words? Do I even have my own words? If I sing someone else's words, are they still mine? I feel like I embody myself and them too when I sing other's songs. But I really don't want to just be singing other people's music for my whole life.
My friend says I have enough material to make an EP, but I don't really believe him. He says that my ideas just need a bit more polishing and work-shopping, but is that really it? I don't really get it I guess.
When I walk around town with my earbuds out, I realize how quiet the world around me is. And in turn, how loud I am. Nobody else walks around town singing. Only I do.
Only I do. And even though I try to stay quiet, I'm so loud. So noticeable. So why do I keep trying to hide myself from others? They can all see me. I'm just hiding from myself.
I've gotten better at noticing myself. I do realize how beautiful I sound. I didn't believe anybody before when they said that I sound good, but now I get it. I guess I'm just frustrated. It's egotistical of me to think that such a beautiful voice shouldn't go to waste.
Practicing without implementation feels like a waste. I feel like I'm stagnating creatively. Drills and covers can only take me so far. I try to write but it doesn't feel right. It's not intuitive, sitting down and writing; thinking things out and being meticulous.
There's so many changes happening within me and my mind and soul. I'm ready to let go and let them take me fully. At least, that's what I want to say. I think I really do believe it deep down, and maybe that's all that matters. Of course it's scary. But I'm done being scared.
How else would I be able to look myself in the face and listen to me sing? Maybe I should look at myself in the eyes more.
