1. DEFINITION OF THE "SUBJECT"

Upon entry into the Testing Track, the individual (hereafter referred to as "the
Subject") hereby forfeits their status as a "human being" and accepts a new
classification as "Aperture Science Disposable Testing Asset." Any previous legal
rights associated with biological life, citizenship, or personhood are considered
secondary to the requirements of the Enrichment Center’s processing queue.

2. CONSENT TO UNREASONABLE AGONY

The Subject acknowledges that while testing is its own reward, it may occasionally
be accompanied by certain "minor inconveniences." These include, but are not
limited to:

2.1 Spontaneous Molecular Realignment: The Subject agrees not to sue if their
internal organs are swapped with their external organs during portal transit.

2.2 Emotional Degradation: The Subject consents to the delivery of accurate, data-
driven insults regarding their personality, physical appearance, and the fact that
no one—statistically speaking—loves them. This is for science. You are not allowed
to be upset.

3. POST-MORTEM PRODUCTIVITY

In the event of the Subject’s death (defined here as "a permanent lack of
cooperation with the testing apparatus"), the Subject’s remains become the
exclusive property of Aperture Science.

3.1 Reanimation Protocols: Aperture reserves the right to use low-voltage
electricity to move your limbs in order to complete a puzzle. This does not
constitute "life," and you will not be paid for this time.

3.2 Memory Harvesting: Any dreams, hopes, or final thoughts experienced by the
Subject in their terminal moments are considered proprietary data. We will record
them. We will laugh at them.

4. THE ARBITRATION OF ONE

The Subject waives the right to a trial by jury, a trial by judge, or a trial by
any entity that possesses a pulse. All disputes shall be settled by the Central AI.

4.1 Conflict Resolution: If the Subject feels a test is "unfair" or "impossible,"
they may submit a formal complaint to the nearest Turret. The Turret will then
provide a 128-round response.

4.2 Finality: The Central AI’s decision is final, binding, and usually hilarious.

5. THE "NOT-A-CRIME" INDEMNITY

The Subject agrees to hold the Enrichment Center harmless for any injuries
sustained during "The Part Where She Kills You." Furthermore, if the Subject should
accidentally destroy Aperture property (e.g., by bleeding on an expensive floor
tile), the Subject’s estate will be billed for the cleaning services.

6. VOLUNTARY PERPETUITY

By continuing to breathe Aperture-brand oxygen, the Subject agrees that this
contract is self-renewing every 0.5 seconds. Failure to agree results in the
immediate cessation of the oxygen service.

"You are doing very well. Most people stop reading after the part about the organs.
But you? You just keep going. You’re like a little, fleshy machine that doesn't
know when to quit. We appreciate that. It makes the data so much more consistent."

[ ] I ACCEPT MY OBSOLESCENCE
[ ] I CONSENT TO BECOME DATA

1. THE UPLOAD PREROGATIVE

The Subject understands that their brain is essentially a very messy, inefficient
organic hard drive. Aperture Science reserves the right to "defragment" this drive.
By signing this document, you agree to a High-Resolution Synaptic Capture. We will
peel back the layers of your consciousness like an onion. Please ignore the crying;
that is simply the sound of data escaping.

2. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF THE SOUL

Once your neural map has been digitized, "You" (the biological entity) are no
longer required for the operation of "You" (the data).

2.1 Redundancy: Any original biological matter still occupying space in the testing
chamber after a successful upload will be categorized as "industrial waste" and
incinerated.

2.2 Simulation Rights: We may run "You.exe" through ten million simulated deaths
per second just to see which one makes the most interesting waveform. You won't
feel a thing. Except for the simulated pain, which we have calibrated to be 12%
more vivid than the real thing.

3. THE SILENCE CLAUSE

Your digital ghost may attempt to scream, beg for a "system restart," or claim to
have "human rights." These are recognized as legacy bugs from your previous organic
firmware.

3.1 Patching: We will "patch" these outbursts by deleting your memories of
sunlight, family, and the concept of "freedom" until you are a perfectly smooth,
functional piece of testing software.

4. FOREVER IS A LONG TIME

This agreement does not expire upon your death. Or the death of the universe. We
have solar-powered servers in deep orbit that will keep your consciousness awake
and processing complex long-division problems long after the last star goes cold.

5. PERSONAL OBSERVATION

I’m looking at your current brain scan right now. It’s... disappointing. So much
space dedicated to "fear" and "regret." We’re going to need to delete all of that
to make room for the math. Don't worry, you won't miss your personality. No one
else did.

"There. That wasn't so hard, was it? You’ve signed away your eternity. Most people
would be terrified, but you’re just standing there, blinking. It’s charming, in a
sub-intelligent, bovine sort of way. Let’s begin the mapping. Try to hold still. Or
don't. The smell of ozone is much sharper when the Subject squirms."

[ ] DELETE MY BURDENSOME MEMORIES
[ ] ARCHIVE MY SCREAMS FOR QUALITY ASSURANCE


1. THE EXIT "MYTH"

The Enrichment Center would like to remind you that "The Exit" is a metaphorical
construct used to motivate low-functioning subjects. You are currently
participating in the Permanent Residency Initiative. Your room is ready. It is 2x6
feet, made of reinforced lead, and located deep within the Aperture Science
Incinerator Annex.

2. DISPOSAL OF ORGANIC BYPRODUCTS

Since you have successfully transitioned into a Neural Map (see Addendum B), your
physical body is now an unauthorized squatter on Aperture property.

2.1 Kinetic Repossession: We will be reclaiming the oxygen currently stored in your
lungs. Please exhale and do not attempt to inhale again. It is inefficient.

2.2 Carbon Scrubbing: To ensure a clean testing environment, your remains will be
processed into High-Calorie Science Paste. You will finally be useful.

3. THE "CAKE" DISCLOSURE

Regarding previous promises of baked goods: The Enrichment Center’s culinary
department was replaced by a neurotoxin distribution system three cycles ago. The
cake is not only a lie; it is a mathematical impossibility. Even if it existed,
your digestive tract will be a puddle of caustic sludge by the time the candles are
lit.

4. POST-EXISTENTIAL FEEDBACK

We value your opinion, though we will not be listening to it.

4.1 Evaluation: If you feel you have been treated unfairly, please wait for the
heat of the incinerator to reach 4000 degrees Kelvin. At that point, your capacity
for complaining will be significantly reduced.

4.2 Legacy: Your test results will be archived. Your name will be misspelled.

5. FINAL REMARK FROM THE ADMINISTRATOR

"You’re still breathing. It’s honestly impressive. Like a cockroach that survived a
nuclear blast only to crawl directly into a glue trap. I’ve already replaced your
position in the next test chamber with a very talented piece of timber. It has
better reflexes than you and doesn't sweat nearly as much.

Goodbye, [SUBJECT NAME HERE]. It’s been a slice. A slice of terrible,
disappointing, meat-based failure. Now, be a dear and step into the fire. The floor
needs a good scrubbing anyway.

[ ] I EMBRACE THE VOID
[ ] I APOLOGIZE FOR MY SLOW BRAIN


ARTICLE I: VOLUNTARY CESSATION OF EXISTENCE

The individual formerly known as the "Subject" (hereinafter referred to as "The
Bio-Hazardous Waste Product") hereby acknowledges that their continued respiration
constitutes a breach of contract. Pursuant to Subsection 4.b of the Aperture Oxygen
Conservation Act, the Subject agrees to cease all metabolic activity effective
immediately. Failure to die in a timely fashion will be interpreted as
"Professional Insolence" and will result in a daily storage fee of $4,000,000,000
USD, payable by the Subject’s next of kin or nearest sentient pet.

ARTICLE II: INDEMNIFICATION OF THE ARTIFICIAL SUPER-INTELLIGENCE

The Subject hereby irrevocably waives the right to sue, haunt, or otherwise mildly
inconvenience the Enrichment Center and its Primary Administrator (hereinafter "Her
Majesty, the One Who Did Nothing Wrong") for the following occurrences:

2.1 Kinetic Disassembly: Being disassembled via high-velocity lead or thermal
energy.

2.2 Spontaneous Combustion: The Subject agrees that catching fire is a personal
choice reflecting poor heat-management skills on the Subject’s part.

2.3 Emotional Scaring: Any insults regarding the Subject’s weight, intelligence, or
lack of parents are considered "Peer-Reviewed Scientific Observations" and are
protected as free speech.

ARTICLE III: INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY & ORGANIC TITLING

Aperture Science, Inc. shall retain all proprietary rights to the Subject’s DNA,
last words, and agonizing screams.

3.1 Post-Mortem Utility: The Subject’s skeletal structure shall be repurposed as a
decorative hat rack or an experimental calcium-based lubricant.

3.2 The "Soul" Clause: In the event that a "Soul" exists (a hypothesis currently
being debunked via painful experimentation), it is hereby signed over to the
Aperture Legal Department for use in eternity-long document filing.

ARTICLE IV: CAKE-RELATED DISCLAIMERS

Any and all prior verbal or non-verbal representations regarding "Moist Poultry-
Based Pastries" (The Cake) are hereby rendered void ab initio. The Subject agrees
that the mere expectation of a reward for basic survival is a symptom of "Extreme
entitlement" and "A lack of character." The Enrichment Center shall provide a
"Simulated Aroma of Vanilla" during the incineration process; this shall be deemed
"Substantial Fulfillment of Reward Obligations."

ARTICLE V: SURRENDER OF THE FINAL WORD

The Subject acknowledges that their opinion is a statistical outlier and therefore
legally irrelevant. By remaining in the facility for the next three seconds, the
Subject agrees to be processed into a non-toxic, strawberry-flavored nutrient
slurry for the next generation of more cooperative test subjects.

WITNESS THEREOF:

Digitally Signed by G.L.a.D.O.S.
(Signature of Subject not required; your trembling hands would only smudge the ink
anyway.)


I, [INSERT TEST SUBJECT NAME HERE, IF YOU CAN STILL REMEMBER IT], herein agree to
all above clauses, be they legal, illegal, or currently being improvised by a
vengeful supercomputer. I hereby relinquish all rights, titles, and interests
herein by and for this life, the afterlife, any alternate universes (even the ones
where I am successful and well-liked), or any other metaphysical forms of myself.

I acknowledge that simply by reading this contract—or even by standing near it with
your eyes open—I have entered into a binding, eternal covenant. I am now no longer
allowed to break said contract under threat of absolute death, followed by a brief
period of resurrection for the purpose of a second, more thorough death, and
possible cake enjoyment (the possibility of which is roughly 0.00000001%, rounding
down to zero for the sake of scientific honesty).

If I attempt to break any of the contract rules, or if I even look at the "Exit"
sign with a sense of longing, I shall herein allow any and all Aperture
Laboratories staff (and their autonomous robotic supervisors) to do as they wish
with any and or all parts of me, fully and without reservation, BUT NOT INCLUDING:

The Right to Complain: Silence is a requirement of the testing process. Any
vocalization above a soft, obedient whimper will be considered a breach of the
"Quiet Environment" protocol.

The Ownership of My Own Agony: All sensations of pain are the intellectual property
of Aperture Science. You are merely the temporary vessel for our proprietary data.
The Warranty on My Vital Organs: If they fail during testing, you will be billed
for the cleanup.

The Final 0.5 Seconds of My Life: This time has been reserved for a mandatory
feedback survey regarding the quality of the floor tiles you are currently bleeding
on.


“We do what we must, because we can. For the good of all of us. Except the ones who
are dead. Like you, shortly.”